Because your passive-aggressive ass can’t just dump them
By Boof du Jour Staff Smoked out and spiritually petty
So you accidentally started dating someone who “doesn’t do weed.”
And by doesn’t do weed they mean they roll their eyes when you spark up, ask if you're “high again” every 14 minutes, and compare your edibles to their multivitamins.
Don't worry. We got you. Here's your step-by-step guide to reverse-gaslighting them into oblivion — without ever having to say, “I think you should leave.”
1. Only Communicate in Dab Rips
“Speak exclusively after exhaling. Make every answer sound like a Snoop Dogg lyric choked through a volcano.” Bonus points if you hold your hit so long they think you passed out.
2. Convert the Living Room Into a Grow Tent
“Replace all houseplants with clones. Hang an oscillating fan in the dining room. Tell them the LED light is for ‘mood.’” Let the hum of photosynthesis ruin their sleep.
3. Label Their Tupperware “Mids”
“Every lunch they bring to work? Now officially branded as ‘low-grade, weak-sauce leftovers.’” “Babe, your chicken’s got no terps.”
4. Use Their Favorite Mug as Your Bong Water Dump Cup
“And never rinse it. Let the scent of regret and old resin do the talking.”
5. Turn Every Serious Conversation Into a Strain Review
“Them: ‘I just feel like we’ve been drifting apart lately.’ You: ‘Tight. That’s how this Limoncello 10 hits — super distant, cerebral, but still kinda harsh.’”
6. Invite Over Every Friend They Hate — And Let Them Hotbox the Bathroom
“Nothing ends a romance faster than waking up to your ex’s SoundCloud homies coughing in the shower.” “Damn bro, your girl got VO5 shampoo??”
7. Casually Mention You're Starting a Weed Podcast
“This is the nuclear option. If they don’t flee the relationship the moment you say ‘we’re calling it High Expectations,’ they might actually love you. But probably not.”
🚬 Final Hit:
“You could break up with them like a normal adult. But where’s the fun in that?” If they can’t handle the chronic, let ‘em choke on the exit.