Reportedly Resigned Before First Meeting After Leaking Falsified Lab Results
SANTA ROSA, CA — If you ever wondered what would happen if the NSA’s top guy took a bong rip and face-planted into the cannabis industry like a narcoleptic linebacker, wonder no more.
I’m writing this from the smoking ruin of what was supposed to be Mike Waltz’s cannabis debut—a half-baked Ember Valley “strategic announcement” that devolved into a corporate seizure the second Waltz allegedly clicked send on the wrong email. That email? A PDF labeled “Q2 COAs FINAL_REAL_THIS_ONE.pdf” that contained lab results so inflated you’d think the flower was dipped in Delta-9 Red Bull and kissed by God Himself.
To be clear: Mike Waltz, a former National Security Advisor and actual U.S. Congressman, left Capitol Hill to join a weed brand that sells eighths in plastic tubs with names like “Cherry Fuckface #19.” He didn’t even make it to his first boardroom donut. According to one Ember Valley intern with a lanyard made of hemp shoelaces, “He came in all twitchy, like he was expecting to get briefed on troop positions. Then he started asking where the satellites were.”
And then the leak happened.
Waltz, apparently trying to forward internal testing documents to an Ember exec, instead blasted a full COA chain—including the Photoshop file edits—to a mailing list that included a Leafly journalist, two lab techs, and someone’s grandma. “It was the equivalent of emailing the nuclear codes to a group chat called ‘420 4 LYFE,’” said one source familiar with the disaster. “One of the files was literally named ‘MakeTHChigher.psd’.”
In under 24 hours, the Ember Valley Slack lit up like a wildfire fueled by unpaid interns and marketing-grade shake. Waltz was gone before noon, reportedly muttering something about “bean integrity” on his way out.
Which brings us to Phase Two: Busch’s Baked Beans.
Unconfirmed, unsubstantiated, and yet completely believable reports suggest Waltz is now lobbying for a “Chief Heat Retention Strategist” role at Busch. Sources close to the bean community say he’s been spotted at two separate Cracker Barrels, whispering about “legacy terpenes in the molasses.”
A photo circulating on Telegram shows what appears to be Waltz wrangling a golden retriever outside a Busch’s facility while wearing a branded apron that reads “KEEP IT SIMMERING.” Boof du Jour has not confirmed the dog's credentials.
At press time, Ember Valley had no comment, though their Twitter account posted a gif of a dumpster fire next to a peace sign.
Final thought:
This is what happens when you let military-industrial complex guys near your weed brand. They don’t understand terpenes, but they sure as shit know how to cover up a drone strike—or try to, anyway. In this case, the drone was a COA, and it hit their own grow.
Mike, if you're reading this: the baked beans don't want you either. But good luck. And stop emailing people.
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