Inside Sweet Leaf’s desperate comeback tour—featuring bad dabs, fake reiki, and the same energy that got them raided the first time.
DENVER, CO — I arrived at the Sweet Leaf “grand reopening” 40 minutes late and still too early. The parking lot smelled like expired lotion, hot wires, and weed that had been curing in someone's Subaru since the Obama years.
The invite promised a “community wellness celebration,” which is how you say “please forget the felony charges” in Colorado PR-speak. This is the same Sweet Leaf that got shut down in 2017 after its budtenders were arrested mid-shift for looping customers through the limit laws like it was a fucking drive-thru.
Now, they’re back—rebranded, reimagined, and reeking of desperation.
THE VIBE: PAROLE MEETS PALO SANTO
Inside the gravel event lot, you had to walk past a guy offering “energy clearings” next to a table full of expired tinctures labeled “Vegan RSO - Possibly Still Potent.”
Everything screamed rebranding budget = zero.
A foot massage tent staffed by two dudes who looked like they were definitely here for community service hours
A “Microdose Lounge” run by a girl with a Post Malone face tattoo and a QR code that led to her cashapp
A guy in a folding chair offering “Compliance Readings” using expired lab reports and vibes
One booth was giving out dabs called “Karmic Rewind OG.” I asked what the lineage was and the budtender said, “Redemption.”
MERCH TABLE HIGHLIGHTS
There was a Sweet Leaf “apology wall” near the porta-potties where people could write things like:
“Sorry for looping you into a misdemeanor.”
“We value your trauma.”
“Compliance is a journey.”
I overheard someone say, “They gave me 14 grams and a felony in 2016—now they want to sell me turmeric gummies?”
Meanwhile, the merch table was stacked with:
“Loop Less, Live More” hoodies
Grinder cards that said “Reclaim Your Path”
40% off coupons for “Legacy Loyalty Members,” which I’m pretty sure meant “former co-defendants”
PRODUCT AREA = TIME TRAVEL TO 2015
Sweet Leaf’s new “wellness line” was on display in plastic deli jars with scuffed strain labels and the scent of citrus-scented regret.
Some promos included:
“Buy 1, Get PTSD”
“Loop 3x and we’ll throw in a compliance waiver”
“Free 1g pre-roll if you post ‘Sweet Leaf is back!’ and don’t delete it for 72 hours”
I asked what made one strain “anti-inflammatory.” The vendor said:
“It tested at 17%, but we manifested 28.”
QUOTES FROM THE FIELD
“I came for closure and left with merch.”
“My friend got looped here in 2017. I still have his court date saved in my calendar.”
“Weed was $99 ounces, but the felony was free.”
“I think the RSO cured my chakras. Or gave me vertigo.”
“The founder’s nephew just told me Sweet Leaf is now a ‘healing brand.’ Bro, it’s weed. Not ayahuasca.”
THE PANEL: “REDEFINING LEGACY”
It was held under a sagging white tent with one JBL speaker and a panel consisting of:
A reiki influencer named “Mandy Moonwave”
A Sweet Leaf rep wearing a shirt that said “Compliance Isn’t a Crime”
And a “brand coach” who kept saying “authenticity is profitability” until someone handed him an edible to shut him up
When asked what lessons Sweet Leaf learned from its shutdown, a rep said:
“We learned that cannabis is medicine. And also—snitches exist.”
CLOSING CHAOS
Right before I left, someone tried to trade a pair of Jordan 1s for a THCa cart. A Sweet Leaf employee told them it was against policy—but then pulled them aside for “a private negotiation.”
A man in a tie-dye button-down offered me “free reiki with purchase,” and a woman behind me loudly explained that her ex was looped three times and she STILL shops here because “trauma is circular.”
Boof du Jour Final Recommendation:
If your comeback event includes a vape sponsor and a trauma wall, maybe you’re not healed
If your relaunch strategy is “hire a DJ and hope for forgiveness,” you’re not a business—you’re a bad memory in brand form
And if someone offers you “Karmic Rewind OG,” ask to see their arrest record first
Next week: We visit Illinois, where THC numbers are faked, prices are real, and no one can tell the difference between mids and marketing.
Let’s roll.