Missouri Accidentally Conducts Controlled Study on How to Kill a Cannabis Market Before It Starts
Jefferson City, MO – In a bold reaffirmation of the state’s commitment to "equity optics over operational outcomes," the Missouri Division of Cannabis Regulation has announced the revocation of 25 additional microbusiness licenses, bringing the running total to 34 out of 96—a solid 35% revocation rate that officials are proudly calling “a controlled demolition of progress.”
The state originally launched the microbusiness program in 2023 to much fanfare and multiple PowerPoint presentations featuring clipart of shaking hands, recycled social equity slogans, and fonts stolen directly from Google Slides. Billed as an opportunity for "disadvantaged Missourians" to participate in the cannabis economy, the program has instead become a high-speed bureaucratic woodchipper, vaporizing small operators faster than you can say “state-mandated predatory loan.”
Inspiring Soundbites from the State
“This isn’t a failure. It’s targeted redistribution. These licenses are just too important to be left in the hands of the people we said we were empowering.”— Anonymous board member, probably stoned off the compliance budget
“We are deeply committed to the illusion of access.”— State Press Office, speaking through a vape cloud made entirely of hemp lobbyist dollars
Reasons for Revocation (According to the State’s Totally Transparent Criteria)
Applicants received support from third-party investors (as suggested by the state application)
Locations were still under construction (after being given less than 9 months to open with no funding)
Applicants failed to read the invisible fine print on Form C-129.B (located exclusively behind a paywall in Latin)
One revoked applicant was cited for operating without a license—after their license was approved, mailed to the wrong address, and then revoked for non-compliance with a rule that didn’t exist at the time of inspection.
Predatory Practices = Getting Help, Apparently
The state's vague use of the phrase “predatory practices” appears to include anything from accepting financing, signing a lease, talking to a consultant, or not being born with generational wealth. One revoked licensee said on record: “If they wanted to give this license to a poor Black man, why is me knowing a white guy a problem?”
Another explained:
“They told me to launch a business with no capital, no timeline, and no forgiveness clause—then penalized me for needing help. So yeah, maybe I did take money from an investor. Sue me. Wait, don’t. I’m broke.”
Awards & Recognition
In light of these efforts, Missouri is proud to announce its nomination for:“Most Consistent Use of Social Equity as a Marketing Tool Before Swiftly Crushing It Under State Bureaucracy,”as well as“Best Performance by a Regulatory Body Pretending They Don’t Know What a Loan Is.”
Looking Ahead
The Division has assured the public it will continue to monitor the program with a blindfold on, and remains “deeply committed to equity through the strategic use of failure.”
A new round of microbusiness license applications will open in June, but only to applicants who can prove they’ve never spoken to anyone with business experience, never made a profit, and can list the full history of systemic oppression on a notarized napkin.
Contact Information
Missouri Division of Cannabis Regulation
📍Third Floor, Same Building That Denied You a Business Loan in 2018
☎️ Dial 1-800-FIX-URSELF
📄 Request forms printed on the back of expired inspection checklists