In a bold regulatory move, officials confirm THC is only safe when delivered via neon bears, sour worms, or chewy dismembered limbs—anything adult-looking will be met with fines and confusion.
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — In a bold new pivot sure to confuse consumers and arouse literally every Catholic parent group in the Midwest, Missouri’s Division of Cannabis Regulation has officially reversed its prior stance on “child-appealing” edibles by issuing a fresh rule:
“Effective immediately, all THC-infused edible products must be shaped exclusively like animals or human body parts.”
The policy, according to internal documents reviewed by Boof du Jour, is part of the state’s effort to “clarify” previously vague rules after two years of yelling about how shapes like bears, worms, or hearts were a threat to public safety — and now deciding that’s just good branding.
Acceptable Edible Shapes (Per DCR Rule 15-20.080 Section 420.b):
Bears, snakes, elephants, turtles
Fingers, ears, lips, toes
“Any organ not commonly used in federal campaign ads”
Unacceptable shapes include:
Stars (too aspirational)
Squares (too corporate)
Anything shaped like Missouri itself, “because we’re embarrassed”
Internal Logic and Utter Bullshit
According to the DCR’s press release, this update “aligns Missouri cannabis regulations with consumer expectations, educational standards, and retail freedom.” Translation: the licensing board forgot what the old rule was, misread a meme, and decided to lean in.
One anonymous regulator reportedly told Boof du Jour:
“Look, we made the original rule during a 9-hour session fueled by Costco cookies and political pressure. The word ‘gummy’ lost all meaning after Hour 6.”
A leaked meeting agenda from the rule revision process includes bullet points such as:
“What is a penis, legally speaking?”
“Can we ban anything shaped like a bong or just pretend they’re candy canes?”
“Add clause that nothing can ‘feel naughty in the mouth’ — but define ‘naughty’ later”
Social Equity Angle: Mandatory?
While the new rule does nothing to address access, affordability, or licensing equity, the state assures the public that “diverse entrepreneurs will be empowered to shape trauma into animal-shaped relief.”
Equity applicants are encouraged to “lean into cultural candy archetypes” and “submit creative interpretations of body parts that reflect their community.” No clarification has been offered.
Final Fuckery
This is the kind of bureaucratic ouroboros that can only be conceived by a licensing board that thinks Delta-8 is a birth control method and believes gummies shaped like dicks are more dangerous than the $70 eighths they keep approving for sale.
Congratulations, Missouri. Your cannabis law now legally mandates that THC treats be either wild animals or dismembered humans. Meanwhile, actual policy reform is stuck in committee behind three dudes arguing over whether “ear-shaped” could imply cannibalism.
Boof du Jour will continue covering Missouri’s edible meltdown until the next board meeting ends with a compromise allowing THC-enriched communion wafers.
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