Test Results May Vary—But Only Upward.
HARTFORD, CT — In an inspiring display of blind optimism and spreadsheet-based licensing, the State of Connecticut has proudly issued a cannabis testing laboratory license to Analytics Labs, a Massachusetts-based company currently being sued for allegedly falsifying THC results, reducing contaminant reports, and generally operating with the scientific integrity of a TikTok tarot reader.
The license was awarded following what officials called “a rigorous and thorough licensing process,” which sources confirm involved a PDF upload, a functioning fax machine, and a single DMV bill from 2018 as proof of residency.
BACKGROUND: THIS MOLD IS SPONSORED BY SCIENCE
Analytics Labs is one of only two licensed cannabis testing facilities in the state, which means half of all legal cannabis in Connecticut is now being tested by a lab currently accused of deliberately inflating THC scores and underreporting mold. The lawsuit, filed by MCR Labs, outlines a “pervasive culture of test manipulation,” “client favoritism,” and “compliance results so good they belong in a Disney movie.”
“We pride ourselves on innovation,” said one anonymous source inside Analytics Labs. “Specifically, our innovation in making test results reflect what the customer wants, not what the product actually contains.”
FROM THE STATE: “WHO ELSE WERE WE GONNA PICK?”
With AltaSci closing in 2023, Connecticut was left with one operational testing lab: Northeast Laboratories, known mainly for their commitment to basic accuracy and their inconvenient refusal to fudge numbers.
“Analytics Labs came in at the right time,” said a representative from the Department of Consumer Protection. “We needed another lab fast. Were they under investigation? Sure. But this is Connecticut. You think that’s a dealbreaker?”
INTERNAL DOCUMENTS LEAKED
Boof du Jour obtained what appears to be an internal memo from the lab’s licensing meeting, featuring the following bullet points:
"Do they own pipettes?"
"Is this the same Analytics Labs from the lawsuit? Ignore this line."
"Applicants must be located within state borders, or at least have a working PO Box."
"THC inflation = job creation?"
Another note scribbled in the margin: “Even if they’re dirty, they’re fast. We’re not testing honesty, we’re testing flower.”
INDUSTRY RESPONSE
Consumers: “Why does this $60 eighth taste like basement drywall?” Cultivators: “Our flower tested at 14%, now it’s 34%. We call that lab magic.” Patients: “This pre-roll gave me pneumonia. 10/10, would puff again.” Regulators: “Please direct all questions to our unattended voicemail box. ”
AWARD PRESENTATION: “MOST LIKELY TO GIVE YOU BLACK MOLD IN A CHILD-RESISTANT TUBE”
In honor of this achievement, Analytics Labs will receive the 2025 Boof du Jour “Tested But Not Trusted” Excellence in Compliance Distortion Award. A limited edition plaque, forged entirely from reclaimed COA printouts, will be mailed directly to their legal team.
FINAL THOUGHTS
In a market where cultivators are forced to justify every microbe and terpene, it’s comforting to know that the people verifying your medicine’s safety may be doing so with an Etch A Sketch and a bottle of Windex.
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