A Celebration of Excellence in Corporate Cliff-Diving, Cash Burn Rates, and the Art of Saying “We’re Fine” While Actively On Fire
This year’s honorees have demonstrated the rare talent of launching with seven figures and landing in Chapter 11 faster than you can say “MSO acquisition.” Whether it’s through mismanagement, vaporware product launches, or the simple refusal to learn how inventory turns work, these are the cannabis companies, brands, and personalities sprinting toward the edge with both feet on the gas.
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The Business Expiration Index (Companies)
1. MedMen – The Spirit Airlines of Dispensaries
One word: delisted. They went from Wall Street darling to corporate yard sale. Now trading OTC under a ticker that basically reads “we’re cooked.”
2. Skymint (Green Peak Innovations) – Michigan’s Largest Flaming Wreckage
Declared bankruptcy after racking up over $200 million in debt. Still trying to sublease that fancy headquarters, though!
3. Tilt Holdings – “Diversify” They Said… Into What Exactly?
Quarter after quarter of losses. Their business strategy is just a sad version of a timeshare pitch now.
4. Parallel (Formerly Surterra) – When Your CEO is a Coke Heir but You’re Still Broke
Failed Florida dominance plan. Lawsuits flying. Quietly laying people off like it’s their new revenue stream.
5. C3 Industries – The Michigan Menace of Overexpansion
If you’ve got a license, they’ll try to buy it. Can’t run what they’ve got but still hunting for more.
6. Unrivaled Brands (Formerly Terra Tech) – A Corporate Rebrand So Bad You Forgot They Already Failed Once
Down to a few locations and some sad branding deals. Financials read like a Choose Your Own Adventure of disaster.
7. Acreage Holdings – “We’ll Just Wait for Canopy to Buy Us Out” – It’s 2025, Guys
Spoiler alert: They’re still waiting. Stock is flatter than their revenue projections.
8. 4Front Ventures – The Best at Being Mid in Every Market
Big promises in California, Arizona, and Illinois. Delivery? Not so much. Ask their investors about those “growth” numbers.
9. Columbia Care – Bought by Cresco… Or Were They?
Merger announced, dragged on forever, then fizzled. Now they’re stuck in existential limbo wondering if they still exist.
10. CannTrust – Still Not Trusted
Remember the massive health scandal and growing in unlicensed rooms? They’re still trying to recover from that—news flash: they won’t.
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The Brands Holding On By a Thread (Consumer Brands)
1. Old Pal – The Fast Fashion of Cannabis
Bottom-shelf brand energy but priced like it’s got Terps of the Year. Retailers treat this brand like expired milk.
2. Heavy Hitters – When “Premium” Just Means “Expensive”
They’ll remind you they were cool in 2019. The only thing heavy now is the dust on their shelf spots.
3. Kiva’s Lost Product Lines – How Many Chocolate Bars Does One Market Need?
Their Camino gummies hit, but the chocolate bars? Sitting right next to that last Blockbuster’s inventory.
4. Presidential Pre-Rolls – Moon Rocks for the TikTok Crowd
“Infused” with disappointment and stale mids. Looks flashy, smokes like burnt newspaper.
5. Stiiizy’s Ancillary Product Lines – Outside of the Pod System? Crickets.
Tried to push flower, tried to push edibles. Guess who’s still only buying the pods?
6. Tyson 2.0 – Turns Out, You Can KO Your Own Brand
Celebrity hype can’t save a brand when every review reads like “tastes like pencil shavings and regret.”
7. Cookies Clothing – A Masterclass in Overpricing Hoodies for Kids Who’ve Never Seen a Grow Room
Selling lifestyle, sure. But even the influencers have moved on to better drip.
8. Monogram (Jay-Z’s Brand) – Luxury Price. Gas Station Results.
High price tags, low-quality flower. Jay’s still rich, but your wallet won’t be after this purchase.
9. Beboe – High Society, Low Sell-Through
Designer pens and edibles nobody buys. This brand’s on life support at Erewhon.
10. Jeeter (Post-Recall) – That Moldy Aftertaste is Hard to Shake
The “Jeeter Juice” is spoiled. Even die-hard fans are looking for a new flex.
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The People You Shouldn’t Invest Your Trust (Or Money) In (Industry “Leaders”)
1. Adam Bierman – The Ghost of MedMen Past
This man torched hundreds of millions, left his company in ruin, and still managed to exit with a gold parachute.
2. Ben Kovler – Green Thumb Industries’ CFO-Approved Magic Trick
Running GTI like a personal ATM. Shareholders are still waiting for the promised windfall that’s… never coming.
3. Boris Jordan – The Curaleaf King of Quiet Layoffs
Publicly bullish, privately cutting costs faster than your favorite brand sells out of Runtz.
4. Mike Tyson – Can’t Keep His Brand in the Ring
Biggest name in cannabis still hasn’t figured out how to put decent weed in a bag.
5. Steve Allan – The Guy Who “Fixed” Trulieve… Into the Ground
Known for restructuring, which apparently means “slash and burn until morale improves.”
6. Berner – Mr. Cookies and the Cult of Hype
Built an empire on lifestyle and pre-IPO dreams, but if you’re actually smoking Cookies flower in 2025… blink twice if you need help.
7. Kevin Murphy – The Acreage Guy Who Cashed Out Early
Still living large while Acreage Holdings circles the drain.
8. Nancy Whiteman – The Edible Queen Who Can’t Find a New Hit
Wana was once on top. Now it’s just… there. Like that one gummy at the bottom of your drawer.
9. Peter Horvath – High Times’ Savior Who Forgot the Business Plan
Steered High Times into the licensing abyss. Anyone seen their flagship store? Yeah, me neither.
10. Your Friendly Neighborhood “Cannabis Business Coach” on LinkedIn
Posting 37 times a day about “mindful leadership” while secretly applying for a bartending gig at Dave & Buster’s.
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The Concepts That Should Be Euthanized (Trends & Industry Fads)
1. THC Inflation – Stop. Lying. About. Your. Potency.
If this bag says 39%, I’m expecting it to teleport me. Instead, it’s anxiety and a headache.
2. Celebrity Brands – We Don’t Care That Rick Ross Has a Strain.
If your whole brand is just a celebrity’s face, you’re one lawsuit away from liquidation.
3. Moon Rocks and Infused Pre-Rolls for $50+ – Congrats, You Just Bought the Same High You Could Have Had for $12.
And it burned unevenly the whole time.
4. Cannabinoid Cocktails (Delta-8, Delta-10, THC-P) – Just Legal Loophole Trash.
“Get legal high!” Cool bro, enjoy that lab-made panic attack.
5. $100 Eighths – No One’s Falling for This Anymore.
Luxury cannabis is fine—luxury prices for mid flower are not.
6. Disposable Vapes That Die Halfway Through – Technology This Bad Should Be a Crime.
You promised 1 gram. You delivered 7 hits and a blinking light.
7. Instagram Pop-Up Dispensaries – The Rent is Due, Please Leave the Rooftop.
Nothing says stability like a pop-up in a condemned Sears.
8. Dank Tanks and Unregulated Vape Carts – Y’all Really Tried to Bring These Back?
Enjoy that heavy metal toxicity report.
9. Strain Names That Sound Like Bath & Body Works Scents – “Lunar Peach Splash #7”? Shut Up.
Weed is supposed to sound dangerous or mystical. Not like it’s a body mist.
10. Weed NFTs – Why Was This Ever a Thing?
Turns out, you can’t smoke a JPEG.
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Closing Notes from the Boof du Jour Field Team:
As the industry contracts and the hype trains crash into reality, the survivors won’t be the ones with the biggest influencer budget. It’ll be the people who stopped chasing the next dilution round and actually learned how to grow, sell, and manage weed like grown adults.
Until then, we’ll be right here watching the bonfire burn. Pass the popcorn…and maybe a Jeeter. Just check the harvest date first.