Bill Could End Longstanding Government Tradition of Making Shit Up About Weed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that sent shockwaves through the federally funded delusion economy, Representatives Dina Titus and Ilhan Omar introduced the Evidence-Based Drug Policy Act of 2025—a bill so radical it suggests the U.S. government might one day consider facts before criminalizing weed again.
The proposed legislation would repeal Section 704(b)(12) of the 1998 ONDCP Reauthorization Act, which currently forces the nation’s drug policy office to oppose any attempts to legalize Schedule I substances—regardless of evidence, science, or basic fucking logic.
“The ONDCP was never intended to deal with reality,” said one former agency staffer. “We were trained to smile, nod, and repeat ‘gateway drug’ until the funding cleared.”
MARKET REACTION:
The federal cannabis sector—already a hotbed of schizophrenic policy swings and compliance grifting—reacted with a mix of confusion, panic, and press releases no one asked for.
MSO stock briefly surged, then dropped when traders realized this bill might lead to actual scrutiny of pricing, labor abuse, and the fact that half the weed on shelves is mid at best.
Private equity firms launched emergency meetings, worried that “evidence-based” policy could tank their ROI on vibe-based licensing schemes and fake social equity partnerships.
State regulators braced for existential dread, as their entire job function—delaying shit and faking public input—was potentially at risk.
BOOF INDEX – FEDERAL POLICY DYSFUNCTION METRICS:
Scientific Credibility (1998–2025): 0.0%
Funds Allocated to Saying “No”: $43 billion
Percent of Drug Policy Based on Actual Outcomes: [REDACTED]
Projected ONDCP Budget Increase for 2026: “Whatever it takes to look busy”
EXECUTIVE COMMENTARY:
“Look, we support research,” said one anonymous federal official while pouring whiskey into a VA coffee mug. “Just not the kind that says we’ve wasted 50 years, destroyed lives, and fueled an international black market while pretending to care about public health.”
The ONDCP declined to comment officially but leaked internal memos suggest staffers are “concerned that letting science in will complicate our core competency: fear-based PowerPoints.”
ANALYST NOTE:
The repeal of Section 704(b)(12) is being described as “a seismic shift” by people who still think congressional bills actually do things. But the real threat lies in the long-term implications:
Federal drug strategy might one day include logic.
Funding could be redirected from arrest quotas to addiction treatment.
Schedule I may stop being a junk drawer for everything that scares old men in ties.
If passed, the bill would allow the ONDCP to fund studies, analyze real data, and potentially admit that the world didn’t end when Colorado legalized weed in 2012.
“This would destroy our entire business model,” said one private prison executive. “If we can't lock people up for flower, we might have to sell our second yacht.”
CLOSING FRAUDWATCH:
Industry insiders fear the most devastating consequence of the bill: accountability. With research-enabled policy on the horizon, MSO operators may soon be asked why they’re charging $72 for eighths of dry popcorn bud that smells like drywall. One anonymous CEO has already rebranded his lobbying PAC to “Data is Dope” in a last-ditch effort to spin this as a branding opportunity. Meanwhile, ONDCP staff have reportedly begun purging their Google Drive of everything with the phrase “just say no,” replacing it with “pending further study.” The age of profitable ignorance may be ending—unless, of course, Congress
remembers what it's best at: doing absolutely nothing.
FINAL RECOMMENDATION:
Boof du Jour projects a moderate-to-severe panic across all sectors invested in drug war stupidity.
Short blind federal policy.
Long truth bombs and peer-reviewed chaos.
Buy weed from someone who’s not terrified of charts.
This has been your federally non-compliant Boofonomics Brief. Coming next week:“DEA Publishes Study Proving Cannabis Legalization Helps Cartels, Cites Internal Vibes and a Guy Named Rick.”