When Both Sides of the War on Drugs Are Funded by the Same Guy in Sunglasses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunningly incoherent economic strategy update this week, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) released a new market analysis blaming both legal and illegal states for aiding drug cartels. Industry analysts were left slack-jawed and drooling, trying to reconcile the DEA’s dual assertion that legal marijuana policy fuels cartel activity—while also claiming prohibition states have become fertile ground for the exact same crime networks.
This bold take marks the DEA’s most innovative economic contribution since "What If We Just Lied About It Again?" became official agency policy in 1971. “The data is clear,” said DEA spokesperson Chad Y. Blanco, sweating profusely in front of a pie chart that was just a clipart weed leaf on fire.
“When states legalize weed, cartels profit. When they don’t legalize it, cartels also profit. That’s why we’re recommending Congress immediately legalize and criminalize marijuana simultaneously.”
INVESTOR NOTE:
“Cartel Exposure” now considered a bullish growth indicator by Wells Fargo’s Cannabis Equity Fund.
BOOF INDEX: DEA PERFORMANCE METRICS
Cartel Revenue Per Legalized State: +420% YoY
Number of Contradictions in One Sentence: 7.5 (new agency record)
Dollars Wasted on Failed Enforcement Since 1996: ∞
Federal Consistency Rating: “Schizophrenic but Patriotic”
Public Trust: Now tied with Ticketmaster and the Catholic Church
CANNABIS MARKET REACTION:
Despite the DEA’s statement having the economic coherence of a toddler’s fever dream, MSO executives were quick to capitalize. “This vindicates our decision to only half-comply with state laws while funneling investor money into spray tan budgets and debt refinancing,” said an anonymous C-suite exec from a publicly traded cannabis firm, sipping kombucha through a stainless steel straw shaped like the dollar sign.
Wall Street responded accordingly:
Tilray stock surged 12% on news that confusion might temporarily delay regulatory accountability.
Curaleaf issued a new press release titled “We Support Cartel Awareness Month” in an effort to hedge against all possible futures.
Aurora Cannabis remains dead.
BREAKING DOWN THE DEA'S STRATEGY:
Let’s go line by line.
DEA Claim | Actual Meaning |
“Legal states attract cartel activity.” | Cartels dislike stable tax revenue, but love confused lawmakers. |
“Prohibition states fuel illegal demand.” | Yes, Chad, that’s what prohibition does. |
“We need federal clarity.” | We need federal funding. The tank is dry and the weed is mid. |
EXECUTIVE INSIGHT:
“We support federal prohibition as long as it continues to subsidize our shitty margins and allows us to blame Black market growers for everything.”— Statement from the United CannaSuits of America™ PAC
THE REAL TAKEAWAY:
The DEA’s latest policy analysis amounts to screaming “fire” in a building they set ablaze 50 years ago. While cannabis companies bleed investors dry with dogshit product and PowerPoint decks full of “authenticity,” the DEA remains laser-focused on proving the one thing nobody asked: that reality can, in fact, be ignored for long enough to collect a pension.
The only people who benefit from this are the same ones who always have—cartels, landlords, and legacy operators smart enough to stay the fuck out of Delaware C-corps.
FINAL RECOMMENDATION:
Short the DEA’s credibility.
Long cartel adaptability.
Buy weed from someone who doesn’t call it a “lifestyle brand.”
Boof du Jour will continue tracking cartel-friendly growth opportunities in Kentucky, Alabama, and any other state where local lawmakers still think “hemp” is just gay weed.