We recycle failure — and rebrand it with better fonts. The Tears-to-Mylar™ Buyback Program. A place where broken dreams go to get laminated
By Boof du Jour Staff | Boofonomics Division
Sticker Farmer, the silent kingmaker behind 42% of this industry's worst packaging decisions, has officially pivoted from printer to prophet with a new vertical: asset recovery for failures. And by “assets,” we mean dead mylar bags, delusional branding, and $2-per-unit jars that never saw a dispensary shelf.
Welcome to the Tears-to-Mylar™ Buyback Program—a limited-run, high-margin trauma laundering scheme for the founders who burned through VC money faster than their distillate carts.
In a press release sent via burner Gmail (“dontlaugh420realbiz@gmail.com”), Sticker Farmer positioned the program as “a circular economy initiative that gives legacy brands a second chance to disappoint consumers.”
And investors are already circling like buzzards around a discounted SKUs spreadsheet.
The Business Model: Repurpose, Repack, Regrift
Under the program, Sticker Farmer is buying back leftover packaging stock from collapsed cannabis brands and repurposing it into fresh, hype-driven collabs for street legacy plug-preneurs.
Accepted materials include:
Jars from that solventless collab that combusted both financially and literally
Pre-roll tubes that never passed QA but were “vibe-forward”
Packaging with cartoon animals banned by three states and one church group
Bags that say "Live Resin" but were filled with popcorn shake and ambition
What does this mean financially? Sticker Farmer’s Q3 Packaging Liability Index (PLI) is down 46% as of last week, as unsold inventory is now being classified under the “Post-Hype Reclamation” line item.
Boofonomics Rating: Moderate ROI, High Bullshit Quotient
Resurrected Partnerships Include:
Dankleberry Kush x Lil Finesser Farms = “DankleFinessed: Supreme Berry Edition”
Now just smells like grief and Blue Dream. Includes one mystery nug and a Boosie sticker.
Terp Temple Wellness Collective x Big Baggie Boi = “Temple of Goon”
The chakra branding was replaced by a jacked angel in Timbs. COA links to the Fast & Furious 6 trailer.
FloraGentics x Street Plug Mike = “GMO & Friends: The Boof Pack”
Rebranded failure in a pouch that screams “Compost this and forget me.”
Zen & Zaza x Trapstars of Christ = “Sunday Scaries: Resurrection Cut”
Psilocybin pre-rolls with Jesus doing the worm in holographic ink. Comes with a misprinted Bible quote and trauma.
Puff Puff Pat’s Medz x Eat the Rich Extracts = “Class War Concentrates”
Matte black jars with Karl Marx quotes and QR codes linking to eviction notices.
The In Memoriam Box™
Sticker Farmer now offers a $59.99/month subscription box for failed branding enthusiasts and clout-chasing archivists. Each box includes:
A mylar pouch from a strain that never existed
A sticker that says “LIMITED DROP” in Comic Sans
A handwritten apology from a founder named Brett
A QR code linking to a lawsuit
Executive Statement:
“This isn’t just packaging—it’s pre-monetized identity. Why kill a brand when you can just rename it and mark it up 30%?”— Sticker Farmer Strategic Vision Document (Q2 Leak, via Slack)
Investor Takeaways:
Revenue Model: Recycle delusion as demand
Target Demo: Broke trapstars, nostalgic collectors, and budget MSOs trying to appear edgy
Projected Outcome: IPO rumor, podcast interview, eventual acquisition by a vape brand with a cryptocurrency token
Final Puff from the Boof Desk:
Sticker Farmer isn’t just saving the planet. They’re running the first viable recycling program for failure itself.
This is ESG investing for the cannabis clown economy—repackaged regret sold back to the same market that killed it in the first place.
If branding is a grift, Sticker Farmer is the printer behind the curtain. And now, they’ve got a subscription model.
Boofonomics Index™ Rating: 3.5/5 Broken NDA Clauses