Texas Is Selling Legal THC. They Just Haven’t Told The Cops Yet.
AUSTIN, TX — In a rare bipartisan act of fiscal enlightenment and unmedicated psychosis, Texas lawmakers accidentally legalized THC—and then aggressively denied it like a senator caught in a gay bar. The financial aftermath? A booming hemp-derived market worth billions, powered by a legal loophole so large you could drive a Ford Super Duty full of Delta-9 gummies through it.
What began as a bill to regulate hemp has evolved into a full-fledged cannabis economy operating under the delusional banner of “not weed.”
“We just wanted to help farmers,” said one state rep while staring dead-eyed into the middle distance, pretending not to understand that 25mg edibles are now available next to beef jerky at every gas station off I-35.
MARKET OVERVIEW:
Texas is now the fourth-largest cannabis economy in the country, depending on who you ask and how many syllables they can pronounce in “tetrahydrocannabinol.” But here’s the kicker: none of it is technically legal cannabis. It’s diet weed—same high, half the guilt.
“It’s like legalizing moonshine but calling it ‘fermented air,’” said Boof du Jour’s market analyst while shotgun-smoking a disposable vape marked ‘CBD LOL 1000MG’.
THE HEMPOCALYPSE™:
How Texas Accidentally Invented an Unregulated Billion-Dollar Weed Industry
THC Limit: Supposed to cap at 0.3% by dry weight
Actual Products: 25mg Delta-9 THC gummies in a resealable paw print pouch labeled “For Stress Relief, Not Kids”
Retail Locations: Gas stations, vape shops, megachurch parking lots
Regulators: Still Googling what Delta-8 is
EXECUTIVE STRATEGY:
Every hemp startup in Texas is now a “wellness brand” with absolutely no operational oversight. Their pitch decks read like a Buzzfeed quiz with the financial ethics of Theranos.
“We’re vertically integrated from soil to soul,” said one startup founder while embezzling payroll funds into a Lambo lease.
VCs are lining up to fund “Texas’s first boutique hemp speakeasy with an app,” which is just a trailer behind a Dollar General that accepts Bitcoin.
BOOF INDEX – TEXAS HEMPERPRISES™:
Product Clarity: “Legally confusing but spiritually effective”
Regulatory Oversight: The same guy who checks pool chemicals at the YMCA
Consumer Trust: Slightly higher than crypto, slightly lower than Red Lobster
Projected Earnings (Q3): $300M or jail time, depending on next week’s AG memo
WHY YOUR “LEGAL” WEED IS $60 AND STILL SUCKS:
Because instead of embracing actual legalization, Texas let capitalism fill the void with bootleg chemistry and copy-pasted Shopify storefronts. You’re paying premium prices for backyard THC manufactured in what was probably a meth lab three years ago. “We follow all state guidelines,” says one label, next to a QR code that leads to a SoundCloud rap.
Meanwhile, Texas continues to arrest people for traditional cannabis possession—just not if it came in a pastel-colored tin with “CALM AF” written on it in script font.
FINAL RECOMMENDATION:
Invest in Texas hemp if you’re into fast cash, light regulation, and morally gray product sourcing.Short long-term logic, ethics, and any attempt to distinguish real weed from rebranded trash.
Buy from someone who can explain the difference between Delta-9 and Delta-fuck-you.
This has been your Boofonomics Brief. We’ll be back next week to analyze why the same people who hate socialism just handed out weed licenses like raffle tickets at a county fair.